Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my phone needs a breathalizer
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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