Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
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