Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
