I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
