The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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