Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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