I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Randomize
