All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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