If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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