So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
