question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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