Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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