I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
