She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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