Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
