My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
