I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
