i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
