I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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