So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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