if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
