Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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