youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
