omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
