I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
