I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just pee around me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
