Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
