I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Mom said you looked used
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
