I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
