oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
