he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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