there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
