Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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