I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
