how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
