so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
