Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
