Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
