it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
