you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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