first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
