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Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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