I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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