I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
