It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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