he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
