they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Pooping to opera.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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