I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
