I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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