2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
