I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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